Entry 2,496 - Entry 2,501

 

Entry 2,496 - June 22, 2025

 

I was reading one of David R. Hawkins's books about how the personality consists of assumptions we make, such as our thoughts are important because we think them, and I would say, DUH!

 

What… did you think we came to fucking planet Earth to think of nothing and sing kumbaya all day?! No! We came to live as human beings with distinct, fascinating, unique personalities which consist of distinct, fascinating thoughts. This thing that I’m writing now is based on a collection of thoughts that somehow is in my brain at the moment. How so? I’m not entirely sure. But imagine if I didn’t value my thoughts and never wrote them down. Imagine if my spirituality was that arrogant as to paint thoughts in a way that makes people want to detach from them?

 

I personally think it does not benefit anyone to deconstruct the human personality, because what good does it do? Yeah, maybe you don’t suffer as much because you aren’t identified with what makes you human (your personality, which consists of many different components), but by invalidating your unique expression as a human, you are doing yourself no service.

 

YOU CAME TO BE A HUMAN. And now, with the help of spirituality, we have all these grandiose writings about how to escape our humanity, coined in less charged phrases like “suffer less.”

 

THERE IS A BALANCE. Going one extreme over another is bound to create extreme emotions, but catering to the balance will help one enjoy their humanity and recognize they are more than their humanity without triggering a fucking existential crisis every other minute, because that’s what Hawkins is going to do to many if he isn’t careful! He’s already done it for me MULTIPLE TIMES.

 

What I mean by balance is learning how to ride the middle and not go too far off one deep end or the other. One extreme would be to be so identified with every thought that comes to the mind, like a radio picks up the waves for a station. On this end of the extreme, people see themselves as the originator and creator of every thought, and so if a terrible thought comes into their mind, since they are fully identified with every thought, they feel completely guilty and like a terrible person for having created it. 

 

This was the type of extreme identification I came across within fundamental Christianity. They would try to find any and all ways for one to be guilty so the church could establish more control over them. The weaker you are, the more dependent you are on Christianity. Imagine all the Christians who take full ownership of every idle thought—how guilty, how shameful they may feel if it isn't aligned with what they deem good according to their version of Christianity.

 

Though, yes, there are a lot of great THOUGHTS in Hawkin's writings that he claims to be wayyyy up there on the calibrated consciousness list, there are also statements like this that make me want to throw my humanity so hard at him he has to show me his raw humanity by twerking invertedly to escape it through embracing it.

 

Similar to the balance between taking responsibility to change one’s life BUT also not taking responsibility for other people’s actions. There are two extremes; just like in politics there are two extremes within Republicans and Democrats. With responsibility, one can believe that they are not responsible for anything good or bad happening to them and that it was either brought by someone else, the devil, or God, and that to take ownership of causing anything would be too arrogant.

 

Then there is the other extreme where they take responsibility for everything that happens to them AND for what happens to them from outside of themselves. Earthquake happened? They are responsible. Someone physically assaulted them? They are responsible. Their dad abandoned them as a child? They’re responsible. It’s the other extreme that is just as damaging, but in a different way.

 

The key of being a human is BALANCE. Not going too far into one extreme where we think we have no control over our lives and are just being thrown around by people, God, and the devil like a tennis ball, to the other extreme that we are the cause of everything that is happening in our lives and people’s despicable acts are because we’re despicable people. But when one holds a balanced view, they recognize there are times when they are responsible, such as the words they say and the actions they do. 

 

Even if, supposedly, the devil (as mainstream Christianity portrays him) happened to exist, and he just happened to be this little red dot on your shoulder with a goatee, YOU still had the ability to choose to say something or not say something that could either help or harm someone or yourself. BUT ALSO, there are things that are completely beyond our choice, and to take responsibility will drive one into unnecessary and longstanding bouts of anxiety from rumination and unnecessary guilt… 

 

For example, to say you are responsible for the bombing of another country or that someone was a rude bitch to you is too much, honey. What makes someone a rude bitch or not? You could sit there all day trying to devise a plan for someone to not be rude to you and they still would be, and you know why? Because you’re not responsible for their behavior. All you can do and be is yourself, and to take responsibility for other people’s actions will drive you insane.

 

BALANCE, BABY. That’s the key. Screw these spiritual books and top-heavy versions of religions that paint our thoughts, ideas, and personalities as the reason for our suffering without considering they are also the reason for our joy, because why? WE’RE HUMANS, and both sides of the dualistic chain of reality exist WITHIN EVERYTHING, whether these teachers like it or not. So these teachers can go on and have their existential crisis, but I’m done being triggered into them. I’m done detaching from my humanity to escape suffering that wasn’t meant to be escaped. I’m done running away from the hard parts. I will embrace it all. I will see it all. I will find the courage to stand in the midst of both my joy and pain without the crutch of spirituality to get me through. Fuck Spirituality. Fuck religion. I. AM. ENOUGH.

 

 

Entry 2,497 — June 22, 2025 

 

In David R. Hawkins's book I: Reality and Subjectivity, on page 91, he talks about how grief is due to the illusion that one has lost the source of happiness and that the source of happiness is out there.

 

But see, with this concept of grief, David R. Hawkins is still splitting reality into two sections: out there and in there, but in reality it is out there just as much as it is in there because both are one. So it really doesn't matter if someone finds happiness out there or within, because technically they are both one and the same.

 

This is why spiritual books that criticize those who find happiness or joy outside rather than inside are just as hilarious as those who argue the opposite or the same. Whether you pick a side and say, "Oh, happiness is only out there," or "Happiness is only within," it's only half of the coin. It's within and without because they are both one and the same!

 

So the judgment and the criticism are unnecessary and the problem in itself. I would say it is one of the strongest spiritual blocks because it causes someone to feel guilt or shame for finding happiness outside. It creates unnecessary guilt and unnecessary shame that don't need to be there, but that spirituality created out of its own dogmatic traps. Spirituality, in my opinion, can be just as dangerous and negative and fear-inducing as religion. This new wave of spirituality criticizes and condemns natural feelings of happiness simply based on where they are perceived. How ridiculous is that?! Really, the issue with anything outside or inside is the addiction to it, not the idea of determining where the source of happiness is. The Source is enmeshed in everything. To try to label it as "inside" or "outside" and then attach labels such as grief to one or the other is to misplace the Source entirely. It is All in All.

 

I oftentimes wonder what influence existential crisis and dread have on books like these. It is these books that are the other extreme of reality. These books encourage and trigger existential crisis, and I don't even know if they are aware of that. By going all the way to one extreme like this, they are causing more harm than help. Balance is key; not going to extremes like this book proposes. Just because the author believes that this is on a scale of 900 out of 1000 in terms of truth does not mean it is actually helpful and cannot cause damage to someone.

 

There is a very fine line between detachment and dissociation, and many spiritual and religious groups flirt on that line and don't even realize they're doing it. They have no clue how many existential crises they have caused; they have no realization of how much detachment and dissociation they have put in their followers, leaving those followers not knowing how on earth to get out of them. They came to these books to experience a little slice of heaven, only to close the book with thoughts of existential dread. They then begin to see themselves as more holy, more divine, more connected to the truth because they are more detached and dissociated or writing between the line of the two. I can only speak on this because it used to be me. Now, when I go back to this book, it's painfully awkward to read these parts because I understand it from a different vantage point.

 

It's kind of like if you play a video game and you know where the trap is going to be, so you're prepared. I've read the book multiple times before, and I know where the traps are that triggered those existential crises and those feelings of guilt and shame over perceiving happiness as out there rather than only in there. These little tiny trinkets of traps exist all throughout the book, and if you haven't seen them before, it's easy to fall into the pit and then be triggered with an existential crisis. Vigilance is necessary. Accepting one's humanity and one's decision to be a human is also necessary. Once one denies why they came here TO BE HUMAN or what they plan to do with their humanity, those are major steps into existential crisis.

 

Entry 2,498 — June 25

 

If we ALL took the time to learn skills from professionals on how to approach and deal with conflict, versus the skills taught to us and handed down by our parents unconsciously, then we'd have a much more empathetic and socially connected society.

 

Entry 2,499 

 

I have an elaborate theory that those who are most adamant that they are only children of God and that God is only their Father are the ones with the biggest mommy issues or fitting in issues. I could imagine them thinking, "Oh, there's no mom in this whole heavenly blueprint? Great! I didn't have a loving mother on earth so I wouldn't understand it anyways." Or "Oh? The protestant Christian church will bar me from leadership for believing in a Heavenly Mother? No problemo. I have no need for her."

 

Or even the idea of only perceiving ourselves from the perspective that we are only children in relation to the Divine. In a normal blueprint on earth, we don’t stay kid-size all our lives. Eventually we have to grow up and grow out of that role we once played. Our bodies grow, our minds grow, and eventually we are taking care of ourselves. We are supposed to become more than just children.

 

Even though that may very well be an aspect of who we are in relation to the Divine, we must grow forward and onward because that is the very nature of life. To stay confined to only the experience of a child would be stunting. Imagine, in your current human life, you were actually stuck being a child with no ability to move forward to becoming your own parent or explore other roles in life—same size as a 6th grader, same baby face, same chubby cheeks with a couple chin hairs protruding; you get the point.

 

Then imagine your parents were forced to take care of you for the rest of your life because you couldn't land a job—no one would take a child seriously in an adult role. That divine blueprint doesn't align with the most harmonious one for our current human reality.

 

So to perpetually see yourself as only a divine child, with the Divine being only a Father, screams "something's off," or, better said, "This isn't honoring the whole picture." For example, WHERE'S MOMMA?! I don't know about you, but if the true heavenly picture was that we only have a Dad up there, then damn—count me out. So innately I think we can all feel deep down something is missing with that picture, but now the question is: are we willing to accept that the Divine is more than just a Father? And are we willing to accept that we can be more than just children, or are we going to stunt our own growth?

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Entry 2,500 — June 26, 2025 

Humanity

Much of human life is learning how to find balance. It's kind of like learning to ride a bike: you learn to balance first. Eventually with a bike, you get to the point where you are no longer falling over all the time. Yes, from time to time you might lose your balance if you run over a big rock, but it is rare and out of the ordinary and not similar to when you’re first learning to ride a bike.

Learning balance as a human in everyday life is very similar. If you are out of balance in a similar way to a person learning to ride a bike who keeps falling over in one area, there’s a good chance you suffer in other areas. But if you’re like a seasoned bicyclist who has mastered balancing on the bike, then that carries over into other areas of your life.

Have you ever met people where you see them make the same mistakes over and over again and you’re confused why they’re not learning from their mistakes but rather repeating them perpetually, hurting themselves over and over again? That level of unconsciousness is dangerous because the harm becomes perpetual. A successful antidote is mindfulness in whatever way works best for you — some people find that’s dancing, others that’s journaling, and for many it is meditation. I would say mindfulness becomes even more potent and powerful in your life when you combine multiple mindfulness activities together to reinforce it.

The opposite of mindfulness is apps that are created to suck your attention from you as long as possible: examples include Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok. One thing about me that I take pride in is my gut. I know as a human what to hate and what to love, and I follow through. People who demonize hatred are demonizing a part of their humanity. They might not even realize it, but it’s a rejection of their humanity and a way to create dissociation. Regardless of whether they like to admit it or not, if they’re human, they will hate. They can pretend they don’t, act like they don’t, or even dissociate from that hate, but it doesn’t change the fact that as humans we are programmed for balance, and balance consists of two ends, not just one. The secret is learning how to use that truth to your advantage by hating what is harmful and loving what is helpful. Instead of running away from it, accepting it, acknowledging it, and using it as a tool will get you much farther in life than pretending you never hate.

Through my hatred, I don’t let that something take me off balance. I hate alcohol, so by doing so I have a strong repulsion against it. In this case, since alcohol is extremely harmful to the health of our bodies, it’s beneficial in protecting one from addiction or the deterioration of one’s body to hate it. Alcohol is a neurotoxin that inflames the brain, hurts the liver, worsens memory loss, increases the risk of dementia and Alzheimer’s, and the list goes on. Now there are extremes to hate as there are to love, and once again it’s about finding that balance.

Our power in our humanity is, once again, learning to balance. In the scenario above, it’s learning to balance love and hatred: loving that which is helpful and hating that which is harmful to create distance and to make sure it doesn’t have any power over us through its addictive qualities. After doing a 30+ day detox from all social media, I can genuinely say I hate social media. Though yes, there are positive aspects to it—otherwise most people wouldn’t even take the time to bother with it, like staying up to date on how people are doing who might have moved far away or people you don’t see every day—BUT if that person is truly important to you, then they can update you directly. They don’t have to use a third‑party app to do so to get your response to their life updates. On top of that, my argument is that the negatives FAR outweigh any positives that social media brings to the table. Its highly addictive dopamine intoxication is terrible and has been proven through study over and over again.

It steals my precious attention; it steals away my ability to create for myself rather than for other people’s validation—likes, comments. It hooks my dopamine in a terribly strong cycle of intensity that perpetuates doomscrolling. It is terrible for attention and memory. It creates digital amnesia and also weakens the gray matter in the brain, and ONCE AGAIN, I could go on and on about it. It’s a terrible substitute for real‑life social communities. Just go online and look at all the hatred, gossip, or even the good videos that get people stuck doomscrolling for hours on end. In my opinion, its birth into our world was the second most dangerous and destructive force to come about since fundamental versions of religion that perpetuated violence in the name of their gods based on their religious texts. 

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Entry 2,501 — June 26th, 2025
 

Attachment

Yeah, there are some who may go to the extreme of one end to say all suffering is caused by attachment, as David R. Hawkins, many Hindus, Buddhists, and so forth preach, but again, that is focusing on one extreme and therefore doesn’t actually capture the human dilemma to its fullest. It doesn’t honor the duality. In our example with a person being hit while riding a bike: this would be people saying all the issues happen because you decided to ride the bike in the first place rather than the reckless driver who was unaware of the person on the bike. They would attempt to equate our riding the bike to our supposed attachment to the bike when that is not at all the issue within the scenario.

So in an extreme sense, yes, one could find some truth in that limited perspective, but in my opinion it is a poorly crafted way of expressing the human condition. BUT if you were to see that suffering is not merely due to attachment, but see it as a sacred human experience — what makes us human, what ignites empathy, what creates connection — then less demonization of suffering creates more appreciation for how it sculpts the human experience through duality. We stop trying to run from who we are and instead accept that no matter what happens, suffering will co-exist with its opposite as we are humans, and that is the human experience whether we like it or not. 

I know many like to deify humans to the point where they paint them as if they didn’t suffer anymore—like Buddha and so forth—but that’s, once again, stripping Buddha of his humanity and gives off a dishonest taste to life. Then people follow these leaders, and their goal, instead of improving, accepting their humanity, living more authentically, and learning to use the good, bad, and ugly to create art, is to create religions that revolve around the end of suffering in their personal lives.

It misses the whole point of humanity altogether and is a disgrace to the adventure of being human. This is why I think we should do away with these century-old religions, due to the massive escapism that exists deep within the roots of each of their century-old doctrines that comprise the major religions today (Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Christianity). They are all, unfortunately, plagued with this escapist mindset that eventually leads to intense existential dread and an extreme form of dissociation painted as deification of a human being. It is not real to the human condition.

It’s like a terrible cheat code that bypasses the sacred experience of what it means to be human. I would not have even realized it if I hadn’t gone down the paths of a majority of the major religions, hit that existential dread, and found how all the doctrines perpetuate escapism in sometimes very obvious ways and other times very hidden ways. For example, some fundamental religions teach you that if you kill yourself now for their God, he’ll give you 70+ virgins in paradise. That is escapism cloaked in sexual lust for a future moment outside of our humanity.

Or with another religion, if you forsake all your “earthly desires” for God, then he’ll give you a shit‑ton of rewards in heaven. Then guess what happens next? People start labeling anything to do with their humanity as an earthly desire and detaching from it just so they can get more rewards in heaven, at the expense of disconnecting from the authentic impulses and desires of their humanity for heavenly desires promised to them by old white men with the crustiest, grossest beards that look like back hair stapled on their chins.

It’s not only annoying, it pisses me off, mainly because I fell for it for a majority of my life. I can’t tell you how many religious people I know who are dealing with the same issues of “falling off the bike” due to never learning how to balance in the first place, because their mainstream versions of religion don’t teach that, and I watch them make no progression in places they desperately want to. That’s because these mainstream versions of century‑old religions weren’t created with the intention to evolve one’s humanity positively. They were curated for escapism through manipulation tactics that keep people coming back and serving the religion until they get their “heavenly reward” at the expense of their “earthly rewards” of progression.

“Oh, you need to believe in Jesus this way or else you’ll go to hell forever,” or “You need to accept that he’s a prophet or else you’ll go to hell,” or “You cannot have any earthly attachments or you’ll never make it out of the cycle of reincarnation.” The list of manipulative tactics could go on and on for pages and pages. That’s why you most likely won’t walk into a religious service where they emphasize and promote, above everything else, professional mental‑health experts, or classes on time management, expanding your organizational skills, expanding your consciousness, learning clairvoyance, and so forth — and why eventually, within these century‑old mainstream religions, you will experience an intense existential crisis and disassociate to a point of dread that hurts more than heals.

Even these versions of century‑old religions that are adapting to present‑day standards, such as the megachurches, still very much point in the same direction. It is unfortunate, but once you see it, you cannot unsee it, and it’s a good thing, because the manipulation and mind control can be extremely subtle and convincing. Guess what happens when you hit the existential dread? Or the feeling of being a terrible human for having desires or attachments? Or when you dissociate because you’re told your emotions are bad? You run even faster into the arms of these churches.

And these people, who unfortunately make the same mistakes over and over and attempt to use their religion as a way to not do so, find themselves in a huge pickle. I’ve heard people mention the same issue they had years ago, the same script, and the same potential solution to that script without actually ever getting over that bump and learning how to balance on that bike, and it is so incredibly sad to witness over and over throughout the years.